The Darwin Awards 5: Chlorinating the Gene Pool Read online

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  NEXT EVOLUTION

  ALSO BY WENDY NORTHCUTT

  The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action

  The Darwin Awards 2: Unnatural Selection

  The Darwin Awards 3: Survival of the Fittest

  The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design

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  NEXT EVOLUTION

  CHLORINATING THE GENE POOL

  WENDY NORTHCUTT

  DUTTON

  The Darwin Awards Next Evolution contains cautionary tales of misadventure. It is intended to be viewed as a safety manual, not a how-to guide. The stories illustrate evolution working through natural selection: Those whose actions have lethal personal consequences are weeded out of the gene pool. Your decisions can kill you, so pay attention and stay alive.

  DUTTON

  Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.); Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England; Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd); Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd); Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi - 110 017, India; Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd); Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rose-bank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  Copyright © 2008 by Wendy Northcutt

  All rights reserved

  Illustrations by Peter McDonnell and Jay Ziebarth

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  ISBN: 978-1-4406-3677-6

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  While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

  Dedicated to those who kept me sane.

  Linux guru Greg Lindahl solved server setbacks and occasionally flicked his long hair my way. Kathleen and Brian De Smet invented the beloved Work Party Barbecue for me.

  Renaissance dancers Francis Classe, Matthew Larsen, Crystal Larsen, Rebecca Friedman, impeccable Cynthia Barnes, Carey Cates, Ariane Helou, David Eger & ponytail, Kathy Stormberg, Lee Marshall, Elizabeth Friedman, Leia Mehlman, Molly Thornton, Richard Kimberly, Renée Hollomon, Rachael Lorenz, Trevor Baxter, et cetera.

  Dutton big cheese Brian Tart, editor Erika Imranyi, and former editor Mitch Hoffman. Cheerful students Jessica Glickman and Desirée Tonello, playwright Stephen Witkin, artists Peter McDonnell and Jay Ziebarth, legal advisors Michael Cantwell and Henry Kaufman, and as always, the dedicated Slush Pile moderators.

  Kenneth M. Hollomon, Renée Menard, witty David Gibson, twirling Lisa Lippincott, Raz Dan, H. Peter Anvin, Suzi Anvin, Barry Eynon, Kevin Haug, multifaceted Chris Kelly, Ildico Stennis, Troy Welch, John Warthog Hawley, Jon Barnard, and dome builders Bob Bushman and Mike Bushman.

  Tuesday Night Dinnerclub ClanLurkr TechShop

  “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”

  —Will Rogers

  CONTENTS

  INTRODUCTION: ABOUT THE DARWIN AWARDS

  CHAPTER 1: MISCELLANEOUS MISHAPS

  Darwin Award Winner: The Enema Within

  Texas | Michael was addicted to alcohol and to enemas. He liked to take his liquor, well, rectally….

  Darwin Award: Modern Armor

  England | Darren was found slumped over in the hallway and bleeding from stab wounds. Victim of an assailant? Not so! A year later, the inquest revealed….

  Darwin Award: Falling in Love

  South Carolina | A badly injured twenty-one-year-old couple was found naked in the road before sunrise. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars….

  Darwin Award: Weight Lift

  Mexico | Jessica was working out in the gym when she realized she needed something from the floor below. She headed for the open shaft of the industrial lift….

  Darwin Award: Pushmi-Pullyu

  Germany | Attempting to impress his wife, a forty-nine-year-old man climbed over the balcony, clung to the parapet, and began a set of pull-ups….

  Darwin Award: Rock Out

  Singapore | Picture a college dorm room. Laundry, food wrappers, textbooks, and a sixteen-year-old male rocking out to loud music….

  Darwin Award: High on Life

  Florida | The feet of Jason and Sara were found protruding from a huge, deflated helium advertising balloon….

  Darwin Award: The Alchemist

  Russia | As a child Sergei promised his grandmother he would bring her the elixir of immortality. As an adult we find Sergei pursuing immortality by licking cyanide off his palm….

  Darwin Award: Faithful Flotation

  Gabon | A congregation was surprised to hear their pastor insist that one could literally walk on water, if only one had enough faith….

  Darwin Award: Whitewater Floaters

  Arkansas | Tenacity is often advantageous to an organism. But combine tenacity with an excess of bravado, a lack of common sense, and a flooded river….

  At Risk Survivor: Mushroom Man

  Spain | A visitor to the mycological conference disagreed with the official assessment of Amanita phalloides, commonly known as the death cap mushroom….

  At Risk Survivor: Splitting Headache

  A man was splitting seasoned wood early one autumn. He was making light work of the logs when he came to one with a particularly large diameter….

  At Risk Survivor: Gag Reflex

  Matt was irritable. If certain named people did not stop bothering him, he said as he loaded his paintball gun, he would shoot them….

  At Risk Survivor: The Spirit Is Willing

  Germany | Being frugal can be carried too far! A man flying home from holiday carrying two pints of vodka was stopped by airport security staff….

  At Risk Survivor: Head Shot

  Virginia | Skeet shooters at the Amelia Wildlife Management Area were taken aback when two large males strode across the open shotgun range toward the firing line….

  At Risk Survivor: Storm-Water Surfer

  Australia | When flash floods turned Brisbane streets into raging rivers, a twenty-five-year-old man came frightfull
y close to literally sucking himself down the drain of the gene pool….

  Personal Account: A Slippery Slope

  UK | The cobbled slipway of the old lifeboat shed slopes straight into the river Yare. The next stop is the coast of Holland….

  Personal Account: Bicycle Chain of Accidents

  England | One Sunday afternoon our gang of teenagers took it into our brains that it would be fun to play on the cliffs….

  SCIENCE INTERLUDE: THE WONDERS OF MOSQUITO SPIT

  CHAPTER 2: ELECTRICAL EXTINCTIONS

  Darwin Award: ZAP!

  California | A Los Angeles real estate attorney was skimming leaves from his pool when he noticed a palm frond caught in the power lines….

  Darwin Award: Ditched

  New York | Joe drunkenly drove his car directly into a ditch, knocking over a power line. How could he rescue his car without getting a DUI?

  Darwin Award: Copper Kite String

  Belize | Benjamin Franklin discovered that lightning equals electricity when he flew his kite in a lightning storm. However, precautions must be taken to avoid electrocution….

  At Risk Survivor: Revenge of Mother Love

  Father was watching a soccer cup final on TV as Mum set about her endless rounds of household chores, bemoaning the male lack of interest in doing chores….

  At Risk Survivor: Orca Made Me Do It

  Washington | Gabriel wanted to punish the rich white people for the death of the whales. He sought revenge by sawing through a sixty-nine-thousand-volt line….

  At Risk Survivor: Molten Copper Shower

  England | Police are hunting for a badly scorched copper thief after finding a hacksaw embedded in an eleven-thousand-volt power cable….

  Urban Legend: Taser Test

  Earl was at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn, looking for a little something special for his wife. He came across a pocket Taser….

  SCIENCE INTERLUDE: THAT WAS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

  CHAPTER 3: VEHICLE VICTIMS

  Darwin Award: Sudden Stop

  Wisconsin | Armed with several cautionary tales, a patrol officer came to speak to a drivers’ education class….

  Darwin Award: Merry Pranksters

  Crews were replacing aboveground telephone lines with buried lines. One morning, local farmers reported a smashed-up pickup at the work site….

  Darwin Award: Stop. Look. Listen.

  Florida | A woman won two tickets to see the Dave Matthews Band. But she and her friend were in for more than a concert experience….

  Darwin Award: Clotheslined!

  Florida | Wearing only swim trunks and sneakers, a middle-aged man raced his motorcycle toward the Manasota Key drawbridge….

  Darwin Award: Footloose in the Footwell

  Australia | Police wished to question Gareth in connection with a stabbing. He evaded the interrogation by means of an accidental gunshot wound….

  Darwin Award: Shopping Cart Crash

  Florida | Cameron was joyriding in a shopping cart. An eyewitness said, “It’s irresponsible behavior, but what do you expect from teens?”

  Darwin Award: Organ Donors

  California | Two dirt bikes, two drivers, two passengers. Zero helmets, zero headlights, and a new moon….

  At Risk Survivor: Hook, Line, and Sinker

  Denmark | Exhilarated by the freedom of his first license, a young man borrowed a car from his uncle and took his cousin out for a spin….

  At Risk Survivor: Mexican Divorce

  Mexico | I was traveling in Mexico with my then wife. We were in a VW van equipped with a potty, and we had been quibbling all day….

  At Risk Survivor: Chivalry Rebuffed

  California | One afternoon, I was drinking beer and enjoying the sunshine when I heard the unmistakable thump-thump of a flat tire….

  At Risk Survivor: Shattered Ego

  New Jersey | We were walking along the lake and reminiscing about youthful summer days spent putting pennies on the train tracks….

  At Risk Survivor: Never Change

  Australia | Who would risk his life for some pocket change lost down a storm-water drain? A Darwin Award nominee, of course!

  At Risk Survivor: Bed of Embers

  Tennessee | Luke’s friends needed charcoal embers, so the twenty-two-year-old man put his burning barbecue in the bed of his pickup truck and set off down the road….

  At Risk Survivor: RoboCop

  Canada | Canadian winter nights are long and usually quiet, but one exception was the night Constable Morgan responded to a drunk driver call….

  At Risk Survivor: Hurdles

  UK | James was a talented poet and semiprofessional footballer who referred to himself as an unpaid condom advertisement….

  At Risk Survivor: Brothers Well-Met

  Maine | Two brothers were conversing with each other on their cell phones when they ran into each other….

  SCIENCE INTERLUDE: FLOWER POWER

  CHAPTER 4: MEDICAL MALADIES

  Darwin Award: Not a Shred of Sense

  An enterprising individual decided to prune his own trees rather than hire a professional. After all, the local shop rented shredders….

  Darwin Award: Stubbed Out

  England | If a doctor advises a patient that he is to be covered with a flammable medical treatment, most would take this advice on board and not strike a match….

  Darwin Award: Going to Seed

  Australia | Darren was dumb even for a junkie, but what he lacked in IQ he made up in creativity….

  Darwin Award: Pining Away

  Three young men had finished basic training and were spending their few days of leave with one’s grandmother. The privates were left alone late into the night….

  Darwin Award: Into the Abyss

  An enterprising lumberman jacked up his pickup, then attached one end of a rope to a tire rim and the other end to a large felled tree….

  Darwin Award: Big Bang Theory

  Oklahoma | A patient had sustained serious injuries from a fishing accident. How did the normally mild sport of fishing become so dangerous?

  At Risk Survivor: Hedge Your Bets

  Canada | This bright chap got the idea of holding his lawn mower sideways and applying it to his hedge….

  Darwin Award: A Highly Improbable Trajectory

  The first patient of the evening claimed his gunshot wound was from a drive-by shooting, but the bullet traced a highly improbable trajectory….

  At Risk Survivor: Tales from the Finnish Forest

  Finland | Finland is the butt of jokes concerning mosquitoes, trees, and excessive alcohol consumption, so I can’t say I hadn’t been warned….

  Personal Account: Missionary Kid

  Indonesia | I was a missionary kid, nine years old and fascinated with fireworks. One day I had a bright idea….

  SCIENCE INTERLUDE: LIFESTYLES OF THE SLIMY AND CONTAGIOUS

  CHAPTER 5: CRIMINAL CAPERS

  Darwin Award: Support Group

  Czech Republic | In July, thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory. Their target: the steel girders that supported the factory roof….

  Darwin Award: Ammo Dumps

  Iraq | Securing an Iraqi ammunition depot was a bit of a problem. Looters periodically showed up to steal brass from artillery rounds stored in the bunkers….

  Darwin Award: Thou Shalt Not Steel

  Czech Republic | Scrap metal dealers do not ask questions. They pay in cash. And a good supply of valuable steel cable can be found in elevator shafts….

  Darwin Award: A Slow Burn

  Ohio | Insurance fraud is harder than it looks. Just ask Musa and his son Essa, who hired an arsonist to burn down their sandwich shop….

  Darwin Award: Crutch, Meet Crotch

  Russia | The handicapped man slept peacefully as Eduard quietly cleaned out the valuables. Eduard was preparing to leave when suddenly his victim awoke….

  Darwin Award: Descent of Man

  New York | The NYPD respo
nded to a body-in-a-courtyard call and found a nineteen-year-old man who had obviously perished by falling from a great height….

  Darwin Award: On the Piste

  Italy | David, forty-six, was sliding down an Italian ski slope one night on stolen foam protective padding….

  Darwin Award: Slippery When Wet

  Sweden | The Darwin Awards have celebrated many boneheaded burglars bungling the commission of their crimes. For instance, taking a shortcut down a sheer rock face….

  Darwin Award: Four Great Ideas

  Oregon | Anthony was stopped for speeding. His vehicle checked out as stolen in Idaho, so the deputy placed the suspect in a patrol car. Here, Anthony had his first great idea….

  At Risk Survivor: Red-Hot Chili Peppers

  In the local prison’s kitchen, an inmate stole a bag of jalapeños. Kitchen work is coveted by convicts because of these fringe benefits….

  SCIENCE INTERLUDE: EVOLUTION IS SCREWY

  CHAPTER 6: WORK WOES

  Darwin Award: Absolutely Radiant

  Russia | Mayak is a Russian nuclear fuel processing center that was experimenting with plutonium purification. Keep an eye on the shift supervisor….

  Darwin Award: Pierced!

  Pennsylvania | A twenty-three-year-old man with various body piercings wondered what it would feel like to connect the electronic control tester to his chest piercings….

  Darwin Award: Barn Razing

  West Virginia | Raising a new barn brings a community together. Razing a dilapidated barn is another question….

  Darwin Award: A Prop-er Send-off

  Australia | For a diver on a pearl farm there are many ways to “buy the farm.” The head diver, Sharky, was a loose gun in a company of cowboys….

  Darwin Award: Crushing De’feet

  Austria | A man who had been reported missing was found the following morning in a trash compactor. Once the videotape from a monitoring camera was reviewed, all became clear….

  Darwin Award: Chemistry Went to Her Head

  Bulgaria | Suddenly bystanders saw three occupants bolt from a car to a nearby manhole and start pouring down various solid and liquid chemicals….

  Darwin Award: Silage Spreader

  UK | I represent an insurance company specializing in farms. Farmworkers do the most insane things….